The Scarlet Numbers 8.29.13
As many of you know I love horror movies. Right now I’m watching Leprechaun from 1993 which reminds me of just how traumatizing my childhood was. Some people think that five year old girls shouldn’t be subjected to movies where creepy midgets crush people with pogo sticks. but I think it was a great part about my childhood. Horror movies are always the best when you’re too young to understand how unreal the fictional scenarios are. Anyway, needless to say I never watched Leprechaun 2, or 3, or Leprechaun in Space, or Leprechaun in the hood, or Seed of Leprechaun who gives a fuck.
How to Ruin Your Franchise Tip #1: Avoid Change
If you have a good thing going for you why ruin it? A good franchise is like a delicious meal at a five-star restaurant and changing your franchise from it’s original nature is like taking a massive shit on your franchise. Things like the Smurfs and Transformers and Ninja Turtles should be treated with RESPECT, not with explosive diarrhea.
If you want to ruin your franchise, just change it. People hate change. There’s nothing everyone hates more than hating something that they love. It should be common sense that changing your successful franchise is always a BAD idea. But people can’t seem to grasp this concept at all. Just look at the Smurfs, it used to be a great 80’s cartoon and now it’s computer animated and it’s only a matter of time before they make “The Smurfs in Space” or “Smurfs in the Hood.”
How to Ruin Your Franchise Tip #2: Avoid Space
Space ruins everything. Especially franchises. Just look at Jason X, Super Mario Galaxy, Apollo 13…I could go on forever…If you want to quickly ruin your franchise just add space into the equation. Then suddenly all your Everquest players will realize that they’ve reached the moon and there’s nowhere left to explore and they’ll move onto something better like World of Warcraft rather than playing Everquest 2.
Every time I watch MTV I feel like taking a dump on my flat screen television and watching my feces drip down the screen on the faces of every slutty teen mom.
How to Ruin Your Franchise Tip #3: Avoid Continuing It
Guess what. No one fucking ever watched the movie Hostel 3. It’s on Netflix for free and no one gave a flying fuck about it. Do you know why? Who gives a fuck. If you want to ruin your franchise, just continue it. It’s only a matter of time before your great success becomes a greater pile of shit.
So quit while you’re ahead folks. It’s the only way to avoid your legacy becoming a steaming pile of misspelled direahea.
New blogs about the Fort Hood Shooter, Syria, the NSA, Texas Voting Laws, and my vagina coming soon! Thanks for reading!