The Scarlet Numbers 4.20.12
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching regarding my use of social networking. It seems like Google+ and Facebook have been fighting to the death over me. At this end of this soul search let’s just say Google+ has finally delivered one last final deathblow with a strong fatal kick to the nuts.
Facebook is finally dead and I’m not planning on attending the funeral.
So you may be wondering, what makes Google+ my knight in shining armor. How has he swept me off my digital feet and carried me away to the land of happy endings? Well, that’s a long fairly unromantic story that begins with a jerk named Myspace.
Myspace wined and dined me back when I was a virgin to social networking sites. I feel madly in love and gave him my heart, my love, and even let him pop my virgin social networking cherry. The sex was good, but over time got somewhat monotonous. I eventually realized that I was giving Myspace everything, and Myspace was giving me nothing in return.
So I broke his heart. He cried and begged for me back, however a new eligble bachleor had moved into town. His name was Facebook.
He was mature, smart, educated, sexy – and made me feel like a woman rather than a little girl. He was the social networking site of my dreams and always suprised me with innovative ways to make me feel sexy. And I admit, when he first came around he always had me dropping my panties like a hot potato. However, there was as problem with Facebook. It seemed like he would tell the whole world about everything…
I felt like I was trying on new a new swimsuit in a department store in a changing room with transparent walls. It seemed like everyone could see my bare bottom at all times and everyone was just staring at my butt – and nothing but my butt…
Now I don’t really mind my butt being looked at – but when I feel like the whole world is looking at my butt – I suddenly feel like putting my clothes back on and becoming, well….prude. So I did what any girl would do. I pulled my panties up and went on my way without looking back. But unlike Myspace, Facebook actually liked me enough to chase after me…and what girl doesn’t like to be chased?
The main problem remained though…Facebook had a was like a freaking PARROT with a big mouth that repeated everything I said!
It gossiped more than the ladies on The View. I tried to change my privacy settings, and I tried to become more discrete about things, but still felt like the world was just staring at my butt and talking about it like it was some kind of Oscar-Winning must-see film. Something had to change. Facebook was not giving me enough privacy!!!
So rather than dumping the lousy parrot, I began to evolve into a total prude! My short skirts became long and I hate to admit this, but I quit wearing thongs and for a brief period of time began to wear granny panties.
And finally…my butt felt safe..from creepy eyes.
But naturally, I just didn’t feel sexy. And for obvious reasons…because I wasn’t BEING sexy, because I felt like I couldn’t have a simple private relationship with Facebook without being exploited.
Then one day out of nowhere Google+ came around…
The list is only the Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Google+, but I could list 100. Unlike the love/hate relationships I’ve had with Myspace and Facebook, Google+ has been nothing but a hot, steamy, and sexy non-stop sexfest.
The #1 Reason Why I Love Google+ is…
- Google is best at connecting you to where you want to be when you want to be there.
Google+ is like the pony that you always wanted for your 16th birthday that you just never got. It’s the Lamborgini of Social Networks.
“Hi, my name is Google+ and I’m here to rock your world.”
Google+ will take you everywhere you want to be and nowhere you won’t. And the BEST quality is, most people people are still in bed with Facebook to realize what they’re missing.
One of the biggest reasons why Google+ has failed in the eyes of every marketing professional is because it’s not generating any hype whatsoever – people aren’t excited about it. And they’re not excited about it for a good reason - because there’s nothing to be excited about.
And this is a GOOD thing…
Google+ is not the Club you’re going to -
it’s the vehicle that takes you there.
“Hi my name is Google+, I may not look like a Lambo, but just wait until you jump into my bed baby, you won’t be disappointed.”
The second best thing about Google+ is…
- No one is talking about it. Google has no face behind it’s greatness. It’s kinda like that faceless character from Dick Tracy….
However, if you sit through the movie long enough you’ll realize behind the mask of this creepy face there is a sexy Diva in disguise…
“How ya like me now boys?”
That’s right bitches, it’s Madonna.
Something beautiful hidden underneath.
#3. Google+ = Not Cool. (Which equals VERY cool.)
Google+ is like that awesome vintage t-shirt that you found at a thrift store. It’s unique in it’s own way and something that you have to take the effort to search for – you’re not going to find it on display at Nordstrom.
I realized what I personally like about Google+ plus is probably the fact that it’s failing so miserably. It’s kind of like one of those horrible singers on American Idol who you love to watch because it they don’t even realize how much they suck. It’s almost kinda cute how hard Google+ is trying to attract the masses. It’s like a wannabe rockstar.
It’s like a strange and beautiful stranger that makes you feel like a virgin. You’re never going to meet someone new at a party and upon learning their name say something like, “Add me on Google+”
It doesn’t work that way.
Unlike Facebook which just chases after you and stares at your butt, Google+ is something that you find yourself chasing after – like a dog chasing after it’s tail in circle – over and over again.
#4. Google+ doesn’t know how to dance.
Another thing I like about Google+ is how uninteresting it sounds to the masses. There’s just something that just sounds plain and not fun about it. It’s kind of like that guy who stays away from the dance floor with their arms crossed and stylishly says, “I don’t dance.” It sounds lame, but trust me, it would be a lot more lame if he were to go out onto the dancefloor and look like an idiot. As he sits back at the bar with his arms crossed, this gives you all the space you need to actually get out on the dancefloor and have some butt shaking sweaty fun.
And after you’re done…Google+ will still be standing there – not making a jackass of himself – reliably there to buy you another drink.
#5. Google+ Isn’t marriage material.
Unlike Big Brother Facebook which will connect you with your long lost high-school prom date, which was a horrible idea that you regret, Google+ will forever remain that sexual unavailable bachelor.
Google+ is perfectly dateable and capable of taking you out for dinner & and movie – but after the first few dates you’ll be thinking to yourself or perhaps even saying out loud -
“Who are you! I don’t even know you!”
There might be an awkward silence and you might think to yourself for a moment that maybe Google+ is having some sort of identity crisis.
But that’s farther from the truth. Google+ just has so much to offer, it’s incomprehensible and impossible to summarize in a short sentance or two. The more you get to know Google+ the more you’ll realize it’s not just the simple, powerful, and classy billionaire Bruce Waye you thought you knew oh so well…you’ll realize there’s a dangerous and mysterious side to him that you may possibly never fully understand. A side that will throw you onto the bed and get rough and agressive to show you how much desire he has for you.
#6. Google+ will actually respect your privacy
Amongst this love, love, love relationship you have with Google+ you will eventually get into your first fight which will lead you to come crawling back to Facebook for a one night stand. Despite what most people think about Google, they’re actually going to give you your space.
Google+ doesn’t gossip. It’s just a good listener who respects your secrets.
Facebook is the gossiping parrot of social networks who repeats everything you say and post your status updates about Presidential Candidates on other websites without your knowledge.
They won’t be up in a tree with binoculars watching you getting undressed. And strangely enough, this will kind of bother you. You’ll wonder who Google+ doesn’t seem to care. The truth is Google+ does care, he’s just don’t going to jump through firery hoops to impress you.
You’ll soon realize how you’ve made a huge mistake returning to Facebook. You’ll realize that he doesn’t really care about you. He’s just there to make you feel vunerable and weak, so he can take advantage of you.
When you return back to Google+ after your brief misadventure, he won’t ask where you were or what you were don’t. It’s almost as if he never even noticed you were gone.
#7. Google+ has no baggage
You’re smart, you’re sexy, and you’ve left all the baggage from your past IN your past. You’re totally done with your childish Facebook and Myspace days. There’s only one problem…
Facebook is back on your doorstep with lots of luggage. He apparently didn’t realize that fling you had the other night was just a one-time thing. Now he wants to move in and be together again.
But you’re so smart for that. Kick him to the curb. He deserves it after showing the whole world your dirty laundry. You’ve learned your lesson and the only place your dirty laundry is going is in the washing machine.
Ignore his multiple messages desperately trying to win you back. He never truly cared about you or your privacy. He really just wanted to show naked pictures of you to all of his friends and treat you like some kind of a trophy. But the truth is, Facebook never really won you over. You are not a prize to be won! Still with a real man like Google+. He has no interest in your naked pictures because he gets the real thing.
#8. You will not use Google+ as a symbol for social status.
Unlike the early Myspace and Facebook days, you no longer worry about having as many friends as possile on your profile. You realized that adding people who you really never liked in the first place was just a big annoyance that made you wish you were that lonely kid in the cafeteria. At least that guy didn’t have to worry maintaining some sort of reputation or popularity.
You then realize you’re not going to find yourself on Google+ worrying about what future employers might think of something you might have said two years ago. It doesn’t tempt you to make status updates about things too personal which you’ll later delete.
You realize that Google+ has finally created a perfect atmoshere where you can actually roam free without everyone watching your every move. You’re no longer on Facebook crying out for attention, now you’re actually discovering places on the internet where people actually care about what you have to say.
#9. Google+ isn’t going to sniff your dirty panties.
“With great power comes great responsibillty,
and with too much power comes too much panty sniffing.”
You decided once and for all that Facebook had crossed the line once they started using facial scanning technology to be able to automatically recognize your face. This totally creeped you out, but you compromised and lived with it. Then Facebook purchased Instagram and claimed their rights to all your other dirty laundry to put on display. This totaly creeped you out, but again you overlooked it…Then you walked in on Facebook creeping through your drawers and sniffing your panties. And that was the final straw.
The problem with Facebook is that he’s unaware the relationship is over. You’re not being yourself anymore around him, because you don’t want him to know anything about your new self. You just wish he’d get out of your life and stay out.
And Facebook is bitter and heartbroken about being dumped. He wants to have a future. And he’s not happy that you’re not giving him the attention that you once did. You’ve just plainly realize there’s no sparks between the two of you anymore and too much baggage. Facebook is needy and calls you way too much. Then you’re somehow lured in and end up talking and talking and eventually telling Facebook more than you want Facebook to know.
And it’s finally time to close the door forever. Just don’t forget to lock the door behind you and swallow the key.
Facebook is over.
#10. Google+ is learning from it’s mistakes
Myspace was your straw house that didn’t last long. Facebook was your house of sticks that lasted a while, but just didn’t have walls that could give you the privacy you need, and now finally we have Google+, the Brick House Social Networks that cannot be blown over by any Big Bad Wolf.
You’re safe now. Safe to be yourself and safe to be whoever or whatever you want to be. You once thought the sky was the limit, but now you’ve truly realized how big the universe is around you with so much to explore.
Finally you have a safe place to blog about your underwear without having to worry about your father reading it. And trust me, this is a good thing.
Google+ is here and here to stay.
Conclusion: There’s nothing like Google+
You’re totally over all of the parrot gossip, the stick and straw houses. Thanks to Google+ you’ve discovered the sharpest tool in the shed and you are using it every day. You are the lucky one because most people are still living in stick houses. (Rumor has it Justin Timerblake is actually trying to rebuild a straw house.)
Google+ has avoided all the big obstacles. It has avoided the masses, and become a perfect place to settle down and get your new online life started.
You thank God most businesses don’t want to use Google+, this means you don’t have to worry about employers asking for our Google+ account names and passwords.
And for once in your life, you feel like no one is looking at your butt.
Google+ is like that weird brilliant ugly guy that no one understands. It has things like circles which no one fully understands or cares how they work or what they are capable of doing. You realze people are either going to use one social networking device or the other – using two is as realistic as a church-goer deciding to start going to two different churches every Sunday morning.
Bloggers feels safer and feeling like we can express ourselves without our family knowing anything about our what kind of panties we are wearing..
Google will slowly but surely realize you can’t always win. Especially when the successes you’ve had in the past can complicate your future. The irony of it all is Google’s biggest weakest is actually how awesome Google has been in the past.
They’ve baked the biggest, most delicious-looking cake that everyone loved – but now they’re trying to eat it too and scaring everyone away from the bakery.
My advice to Google, who thinks they are failing in their attempts to popularize Google+ is they need to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. You’re not the Wal-Mart of Social Networks, you’re the transportation that gets us to those social networks.
The unnoticed lamborgini.
The Scarlet Numbers – 4.20.12