The 10 Voices of Doubt

The Scarlet Numbers 4.21.12

Self doubt is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.

No matter how many people compliment me on my looks, my writing, or anything I always seem to disagree with any form of compliment whatsoever. Maybe this is me subconsciously convincing myself that I’m humble and not the self-obsessed narcissist that I actually am.

On Thursday I wrote close to a 3,000 word satirical essay about George Zimmerman which I thought was hilarious.  I had so much fun writing about.  But a couple hours later I realized how absolutely crazy it was…and I thought to myself,

“This is going to scare away anyone who has

a slight interest in this blog.

They’re going to think I’m crazy!”

This truth is, now I’ll never know because I deleted it.  Maybe a lot of people would have enjoyed the ridiculousness of me just being silly and edgy.  But rather than just being myself, I find myself trying to accomplish the impossible task of trying to impress everyone.  I find myself holding back from saying particular things that are even slightly offensive to avoid feelings of alienation and ironically this just makes me feel more alienated.

Voice of Doubt #1: Marvin the Creepy Martian 

“Hey Scarlet! It’s me Marvin…your feelings of alienation. Just wanted to let you know I’m going to go ahead and delete your 3,000 word essay about George Zimmerman because it’s too edgy.  Okay bye.”

Voice of Doubt #2:  Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind 

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Sometimes, I really feel like no one cares what I have to say regardless of what I’m saying.  I feel like I could recite the constitution and people would disagree with what I’m saying simply because it’s me who’s saying it.

It’s not a good feeling thinking that no one cares.

Especially because I have the natural tendency to care less when I feel like no one else cares.

However, this is probably all just “in my head.”  It’s not that no one cares.  That’s not the truth at all.  The reality is that people are usually just so busy with their lives they don’t have the time so go around a “1-up” each other constantly.  Rather than depending on other people’s unreliable self-assurance, what I should be doing is assuring myself.

Voice of Doubt #3:  The Cowardly Lion 

“Shucks folks, I’m speechless.”

I feel like this guy right now. (Except my eyebrows are a lot prettier.)  Both of us just chase around little cute dogs rather than facing a real challenge.

However, maybe it’s a good thing that I’m being cautious about what I write about. At least I’m not being brainless or heartless, like the scarecrow, the tin man, or a lot of blogs that I’ve seen on the internet.

I’m much more interested in writing quality blogs than having a giant thoughtless mess of nothing representing what’s supposed to represent my self expression.

Voice of Doubt #4:  Paul Ruebens a.k.a. Pee Wee 

 “There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand.”

This goes back to me feeling like the cliche  “no one will understand me” mentality that we all get at times because we feel like there is simply so much to say and not enough time to say it.  Right as I’m typing this, I’m rushing because I have to be somewhere around three o’clock, and I know there’s no possibly way I can have the time to think of some dumb clever pun or corny play on words that associates Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure relevantly with the subject of self doubt.

I have two options here.  I can sit down and take the time to explain myself, my thoughts, and my beliefs,.OR I can forever walk around thinking that we will forever be misunderstood.

And quite frankly, I give a damn about being understood, so I’m going to take a minute say the things I need to say, I’m not just going to sit around and jerk off in public until someone notices and arrests me

Okay, that was almost funny, but not quite.

Voice of Doubt #5: Sarcastic Selina Kyle 

“I have a suggestion…why don’ you stop blogging?”

Voice of Doubt #6:  Max Shreck

“Well, it appears we haven’t properly housebroken Ms. Kyle yet. But on the plus column, she makes one hell of a cup of coffee.”

If anyone ever said this to me, I’d have thrown the rest of the coffee in his face!   Actually, no.  That’s not true at all. What I would do is think about throwing the coffee in his face and then walk away and then secretly bawl my eyes out in the next room.

Thank goodness this line was only just a plot device for Selina Kyle to become the strong courageous sexy Catwoman she pushes her mean boss out of the window of a twelve story building.

Maybe, I should become a sexy, skin-tight leather wearing vigilante like Catwoman….Or maybe realistically….maybe I should just stop holding myself back from saying whatever’s on my mind.

Nevermind, the sexy catwoman custome idea sounds more fun.

 Voice of Doubt #8:  Catwoman 

“Don’t kid yourself Scarlet, you couldn’t fit into this.”

Voice of Doubt #9:  Tupac’s Hologram  

“No one’s gonna like this blog Scarlet.  You’re trying too hard.”

and finally….

Voice of Doubt #10:  Shaul Kaun 

 “You weak pathetic fool!”

If you don’t know who this is, don’t be fooled by his rockin’ abs, this guy is an ASSHOLE.  Here are just a few of his many demeaning quotes:

“I’m Shao Khan, bow to me.”

“Don’t make me laugh”.

“That was Pathetic.”

“You are nothing.”

In my earlier childhood my sweet innocent girl image was all but lost the moment I learned how to do my first fatality while playing Mortal Kombat with my older brother.  Thanks to Shao Khan, I quickly grew a passion for hating dominating jerks like this who think they can talk down on you.  I like to think this spared me from at least a couple abusive relationships.

However, every once in a while, I still hear his overpowering voice taunting me and making me feel like I’m a worthless piece of trash who will never amount to anything.

Conclusion:

These voices of doubt are holding me back.  One thing is for sure, I need to make something more out of myself.  And one things is so damn sure, I’m not going to bow down to anyone of one these voices.

I’m going to stand up and fight.

Who knows, maybe you can help fight with me.

 

Thanks for reading everyone!

-Scarlet

4.21.12

P.S. – I’ll end this with a cool and insightful quote I found somewhere amonst the other great and wonderful things on the internet.

doubts

About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
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37 Responses to The 10 Voices of Doubt

  1. printadex says:

    Isn’t that about the truth!

  2. Great post. I suppose wise ones always aim to improve themselves- hence the doubting part?

      • Matheus says:

        Brad, I bet that survival guide is going to be a hell of a rrceeenfe work. When we were talking before I also suggested something that I haven’t had the balls to bring up in here. I still think its a great idea but I feel guilty not being able to devote the time to contribute properly.For the rest of you that weren’t at the bar with Brad and I that night, here goes.I was telling him that the Revo had become a rrceeenfe source for a lot of us. Not just for mental artillery in the fight against these damned statists but also in regarding guns, finance, etc.brad and I have a dread fear of financial or EMP armageddon crashing the system and destroying the distribution chain. the question for those suffering in that horrific scenario would immediately become How do we Survive, but hen, very soon, HOW DO WE REBUILD. How indeed. How many of you could build an angine, a water pump, could build a radio from scratch? Could you build a still to fuel a generator? Could you store your food, scavange for food, or bven know what was safe to eat? Could you plant, harvest, and process grains? Would you even HAVE grains to plant? I think you get the idea. Together, with our computers having access to all the infirmation we need this all seems pretty simple. Well, imagine if you didn’t have access to the Net, or electricity, transportation, or water, etc. We’d be royally fucked. Now, anyone that HAD the information on how to rebuild would be a king and a saviour to his community. his family would survive. he, along with the few others that had specialized knowledge could slowly try and return things to at least acceptable levels. I’d like to BE one of those people, and I bet you would too.Trouble is, WHERE is all that information concentrated?I suggested we concentrate it HERE. I suggested we fire up a running reader contribution link (or something) that could slowly but surely let us assemble the basics of electricity, farming, firearms, water, engine repair, canning, etc.I was drinking, yes, but it seemed like a damned fine idea frankly. An Encyclopedia Revoista that we could all copy from, print (hard copies would be necessary in a FUBAR scenario), and add to as we thought of new stuff we didn’t know. If it sounds a bit TinFoil Hat, sorry. I actually was always one to want to know how everything works long before I got old enough and paranoid enough to understand the larger world. yeah, this idea is one of those legendary posts I started but never finished but I really didn’t want to suggest it without RD or Brads blessing. Posting it front page would have been a bit cheeky.What do you think? it it feasable or even worth pursuing?

  3. i Get this one…. feeling of alienation …

    • My Zimmerman essay was so bad….it was corny….and just….something that made me feel shameful the next morning. I don’t know why I write things like that sometimes

      • i have once deleted a post that was so sad, so blue that i was afraid I wasgoing to declare myself crazy….while i live with fear of my friends n family alienating me one day..i was like Little you are going to scare your blog friends too.. :P

  4. grosenberg says:

    Oh I’ve been hearing all 10 of these voices (or perhaps their relatives as cultural allusions do differ) and oddly enough for political writing of my own. Thank you.

    • Politics are so hard to write about because everything changes so fast. Have of the reason why I deleted my Zimmerman essay is because I NEVER thought in a million years he would be bailed out, and that happened the next morning. Guh.

      Thanks for reading!

  5. The Hook says:

    “Self doubt is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.”
    This sounds all-too familiar…
    I feel your pain, my friend!

  6. Jena says:

    I have the same problem which is why I don’t post my blogs on facebook for all to see and only a select few people I know have seen or even know about my blog, it’s hard to let people see you or an opinion for me it’s even harder because I don’t want people I know to judge me. I created my blog because I wanted the freedom to write what I want and only be seen by strangers I don’t know, the great thing is that I can write about anything, not everyone is going to like it but for those that do, well maybe they appreciate knowing someone shares their view on something. You’re a great writer, I enjoy reading your blog entries and I’m glad someone shares my fear. Now that I’m getting followers I want to almost be more selective about what I write and don’t really want to offend anyone but if I don’t I’m cheating myself and maybe those who would’ve loved my blog.

    I would at least do this, if you’re not sure about posting a blog, save it as a draft or as a file on your computer, maybe one day you will decide to post it. Good Luck!

  7. rainey says:

    Nicely put! Self doubt is the shadow that follows me everywhere I go. You have a unique writing style that I like! :)
    ~Rainey

  8. wildwillows says:

    Raising my hand as a self douter!!! I love your blog, I wish I had your writing style. U ROCK

  9. Colin says:

    I doubt all the time. I try to use it to my advantage If you don’t doubt, you don’t think. I think. :D

  10. Michelle says:

    Yep, this pretty much spoke to my inner doubts. I think my inner E.T. needs to phone himself home already haha. Great post! Thanks for following my blog as well.

  11. Jim Cantwell says:

    Don’t let your doubt hold you back, I know its easier said than done. It took me a long time to get over my doubt, and just say screw it, writing is what I want to do and I am going to do it, and I am
    Great post, glad you stopped by my blog, because of it I found yours :)

  12. love your blog…hands down…yes..it is brilliant

  13. thirdhandart says:

    Very thought-provoking post! Love the Bertrand Russell quote.

  14. ~~~S Wave~~~ says:

    I love this post! Speak the truth! One of my last posts was called Authenticity Above All Else and is about trying to just be real with people about all the things you know you don’t know. If that makes sense. I write a lot about animal rights where people get very sided and fervent. I HATE confrontation…but I see this as my time to practice! Keep being you!

  15. J.D.Hughes says:

    He (or she) that doubts nothing knows nothing. Writing is about doubt; we explore that doubt by thinking then writing those thoughts. Only arseholes believe every word they say.

    Good post encapsulating the fear that grips everyone intelligent, writers or not.

    And what’s the password protect all about?

  16. tomkiesche says:

    Boy, that last quote… “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”

    WOW, I see that all the time. In so many parts of my creative world. I’ve said that over and over but never as perfectly as Mr. Russell nailed it.

  17. Maggie O'C says:

    Oh no my dear… this is funny! “I’m not just going to sit around and jerk off in public until someone notices and arrests me” hahaha that’s really funny…PeeWee Herman, jerking off, I get it! hahaha
    Being controversial or edgy is tricky. There was blog on Sweet Mother today about a post she wrote about the Octomom and then didn’t post it. You are not alone!

    • Yeah….if you read my blog on a daily basis I usually start with some kind of apology about something I said on the blog before. lol. I’m trying not to go overboard and limit my potiential audience. Thanks for reading. :)

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