The Scarlet Numbers 4.21.12
Self doubt is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.
No matter how many people compliment me on my looks, my writing, or anything I always seem to disagree with any form of compliment whatsoever. Maybe this is me subconsciously convincing myself that I’m humble and not the self-obsessed narcissist that I actually am.
On Thursday I wrote close to a 3,000 word satirical essay about George Zimmerman which I thought was hilarious. I had so much fun writing about. But a couple hours later I realized how absolutely crazy it was…and I thought to myself,
“This is going to scare away anyone who has
a slight interest in this blog.
They’re going to think I’m crazy!”
This truth is, now I’ll never know because I deleted it. Maybe a lot of people would have enjoyed the ridiculousness of me just being silly and edgy. But rather than just being myself, I find myself trying to accomplish the impossible task of trying to impress everyone. I find myself holding back from saying particular things that are even slightly offensive to avoid feelings of alienation and ironically this just makes me feel more alienated.
Voice of Doubt #1: Marvin the Creepy Martian
“Hey Scarlet! It’s me Marvin…your feelings of alienation. Just wanted to let you know I’m going to go ahead and delete your 3,000 word essay about George Zimmerman because it’s too edgy. Okay bye.”
Voice of Doubt #2: Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Sometimes, I really feel like no one cares what I have to say regardless of what I’m saying. I feel like I could recite the constitution and people would disagree with what I’m saying simply because it’s me who’s saying it.
It’s not a good feeling thinking that no one cares.
Especially because I have the natural tendency to care less when I feel like no one else cares.
However, this is probably all just “in my head.” It’s not that no one cares. That’s not the truth at all. The reality is that people are usually just so busy with their lives they don’t have the time so go around a “1-up” each other constantly. Rather than depending on other people’s unreliable self-assurance, what I should be doing is assuring myself.
Voice of Doubt #3: The Cowardly Lion
“Shucks folks, I’m speechless.”
I feel like this guy right now. (Except my eyebrows are a lot prettier.) Both of us just chase around little cute dogs rather than facing a real challenge.
However, maybe it’s a good thing that I’m being cautious about what I write about. At least I’m not being brainless or heartless, like the scarecrow, the tin man, or a lot of blogs that I’ve seen on the internet.
I’m much more interested in writing quality blogs than having a giant thoughtless mess of nothing representing what’s supposed to represent my self expression.
Voice of Doubt #4: Paul Ruebens a.k.a. Pee Wee
”There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand.”
This goes back to me feeling like the cliche “no one will understand me” mentality that we all get at times because we feel like there is simply so much to say and not enough time to say it. Right as I’m typing this, I’m rushing because I have to be somewhere around three o’clock, and I know there’s no possibly way I can have the time to think of some dumb clever pun or corny play on words that associates Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure relevantly with the subject of self doubt.
I have two options here. I can sit down and take the time to explain myself, my thoughts, and my beliefs,.OR I can forever walk around thinking that we will forever be misunderstood.
And quite frankly, I give a damn about being understood, so I’m going to take a minute say the things I need to say, I’m not just going to sit around and jerk off in public until someone notices and arrests me
Okay, that was almost funny, but not quite.
Voice of Doubt #5: Sarcastic Selina Kyle
“I have a suggestion…why don’ you stop blogging?”
Voice of Doubt #6: Max Shreck
“Well, it appears we haven’t properly housebroken Ms. Kyle yet. But on the plus column, she makes one hell of a cup of coffee.”
If anyone ever said this to me, I’d have thrown the rest of the coffee in his face! Actually, no. That’s not true at all. What I would do is think about throwing the coffee in his face and then walk away and then secretly bawl my eyes out in the next room.
Thank goodness this line was only just a plot device for Selina Kyle to become the strong courageous sexy Catwoman she pushes her mean boss out of the window of a twelve story building.
Maybe, I should become a sexy, skin-tight leather wearing vigilante like Catwoman….Or maybe realistically….maybe I should just stop holding myself back from saying whatever’s on my mind.
Nevermind, the sexy catwoman custome idea sounds more fun.
“Don’t kid yourself Scarlet, you couldn’t fit into this.”
“No one’s gonna like this blog Scarlet. You’re trying too hard.”
Voice of Doubt #10: Shaul Kaun
If you don’t know who this is, don’t be fooled by his rockin’ abs, this guy is an ASSHOLE. Here are just a few of his many demeaning quotes:
“I’m Shao Khan, bow to me.”
“Don’t make me laugh”.
“That was Pathetic.”
“You are nothing.”
In my earlier childhood my sweet innocent girl image was all but lost the moment I learned how to do my first fatality while playing Mortal Kombat with my older brother. Thanks to Shao Khan, I quickly grew a passion for hating dominating jerks like this who think they can talk down on you. I like to think this spared me from at least a couple abusive relationships.
However, every once in a while, I still hear his overpowering voice taunting me and making me feel like I’m a worthless piece of trash who will never amount to anything.
These voices of doubt are holding me back. One thing is for sure, I need to make something more out of myself. And one things is so damn sure, I’m not going to bow down to anyone of one these voices.
I’m going to stand up and fight.
Who knows, maybe you can help fight with me.
Thanks for reading everyone!
P.S. – I’ll end this with a cool and insightful quote I found somewhere amonst the other great and wonderful things on the internet.