The Scarlet Number’s 4.25.12 – “The 50 Shades of Gay”
Hello world. It’s me Scarlet.
First of all let me start of by saying I love me some gay…
Especially gay babies.
“Wrong track mommie, wrong track!”
Lady Gaga was totally right. You can’t change who you are, we were born this gay and technically we’re all a little gay sometimes. Despite what Kurt Cobain thinks, not everyone is gay.
The way I see it, red, and yellow, black and white, gays are precious in my sight. And I try my best not to make fun of them because some of them get quite butthurt. (If you know what I mean.)
However, if my health were down to here:
I’d chose laughter as the best medicine to restore my health rather than listening to “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” by Elton John. Because like it or not, gay is funny.
In fact on the Funny Scale, making fun of homosexuality is pretty f***ing hilarious. If they weren’t funny, no one would ever say…
“That’s so gay!”
I am strongly against gay advocates thinking they can define gay because behind every Outspoken Super-Gay there is a quiet “Under-Dog Gay” who doesn’t want his or her sexuality to define themselves. (See the picture above.)
Let’s talk about free speech for a minute. When someone tells you “what you’re allow to say” and “what’s funny and what isn’t funny” – they’re attacking free speech as we know it.
They need to get a reality check.
Tupac’s hologram is never going to stop saying the “N” word.
In fact, every day things are getting more and more PC…while we’re all thinking to ourselves, “Mac, Mac, Mac.” So I’ve decided to break the ice once and for all and define the 50 types of Gay people…..
For your convenience I’ve alphabetized this list…
THE 50 SHADES OF GAY
#1. Alf Gay-
This is when you’re hairy, quirky, and and always wear Hawaiian shirts. Alf Gay’s don’t ever mention their homosexuality openly, but it’s implied. (See also, Weird Al Gay.)
#2. Alfred Gay-
This is when you’re a butler who falls in love with a rich man. (See-also Smithers Gay)
#3. Aladdin Gay-
This is when you’re no longer attracted to women because you live in the middle east where women never show their skin, so you resort to sleeping with a male monkey.
#4. Ariel Gay-
This is when you become a lesbian after marrying Prince Eric after discovering the ability to “scissor” with another woman with your new human legs.
#5. Al-Pacino Gay-
pretending you’re gay during a bank robbery. (See Dog-Day Afternoon.)
This is when you fall in love with the Joker because he can’t get over how sexy he looks.
Brokeback /Cowboy Gay-
This is when you have hot steamy Cowboy sex even though you’d much rather be having sex with a man in a Bat-Suit.
Over the top flamboyant homosexuality.
This is when you’re feeling a little bi-curious.
Unimpressed by the size of his umbrella, this is when you stop being straight for men after Danny Devito tells you he’d much rather be a television actor than a movie-star.
Closeted-Gay- (See Tom Cruise Gay.)
This is when you’re gay, big, hairy.
A man who dresses in woman’s clothing. (See Guliani)
A woman who dresses, looks, and acts like a man.
This is when you’re in a position of power and make straight people slightly uncomfortable due to your open sexuality.
A lonely homosexual feeling one gets while picking up rice.
Gay Dolphin -
This is when you’re so happy that you’re master has freed you, you offer him a blow-job to say thank you.
A makeup wearing, homophobe (See also Republican)
Richard Simmons Gay
A homophobic derogatory term. Ex. “Don’t be such a guppy.”
A closeted homosexual who ridicules his or her own sexual identity.
This is when you go from being a hardcore gangster-rapper to a television star.
Judge Judy Gay-#25
A lesbian in a position of power who doesn’t take shit from anyone.
King Triton Gay-
No description needed.
An annoying easy to forget homosexual in desperate need of attention.
An overly opinionated environmentalist.
A spandex wearing muscular male who is alwayssmiling who is overly fond of “Sim Jims”
Michael Jackson Gay-
the urge to want to climb trees and get in water balloon fights rather than have sex with women.
Napoleon Dynamite Gay-
Gay nerdy threesome gay.
The willingness to make a reboot of the ninja turtle franchise, but refusal to describe then as teenagers or mutants.
The inability to understand anything correctly.
The inability to speak coherently after having a long exhausting night of sex with Katie Couric.
(see O’Reily Gay)
Really-Gay - The inability to fuck your wife or girlfriend.
Ricky Martin gay –
A popular Latin form of homosexuality.
Smithers Gay –
Twilight Gay -
This is when you ruin everything cool about vampires.
Tom Cruise Gay-
A flamboyant behavior that includes jumping on couches and practicing scientology.
Weird Al Gay -
Probably gay but unverified.
Homosexual behavior performed by mutants.