The Scarlet Numbers – 5.4.12
Hello World. It’s Scarlet.
I’m going to post some new naked pictures of myself. But you need to know the password if you want to see them. The password will be given to the top 3 people who help me promote my blog. The Blog will be titled:
Anyway…what have I been doing today?
I’ve been second guessing myself. Sometimes I think I should really take a step back and think of something more interesting to write about than a top ten list. Here I am editing this blog again because I read through the entire thing and didn’t laugh once. I hear these voices of doubt telling me this blog is meaningless, merely a blip on the large scale of things.
I feel like I’ve crossed a particular line where people just won’t take me seriously because of something I said of maybe even because once I posted a picture of Jesus holding an enormous subway sandwich. I look back and I’m really not proud of that type of “shock humor” because at the end of the day:
“it’s not marketable.”
But how cliche is that?
I mean…what if I had that picture and if you click if it leads you to subway
I have a vision….of being an influential person. Like a movie critic except with movies, food, technology, pretty much anything. I’d like to review products in my usual disrespectful sarcastic tone, get people to laugh their ass off and hopeful help the companies and people who make the best products.
Is this a delusion? Probably.
I doubt a company like subway would want someone like me speaking their name. But what if every time I mention a movie or product, or person, you could click the link and it would take you to a place where you could buy some of their work? I’m sure I would get a lot of respect from a lot of people.
My job would basically be to just redirect Internet traffic.
I think I may be onto something here. Maybe….
Every time I sit down and I start to write something, I ask my Brain “Gee Brain, What do you want to do tonight?” And then I hear a voice that says,
“Shut the fuck up Scarlet.”
I get really offended when my brain talks to me like this! It’s totally not cool! It kinda makes me want to go get some rat poison and a mousetrap.
Every once in a while I sit down and I really try to write something clever and insightful, and then I just make another ridiculously – poorly thought out – waste of internet filled with typos. I’ve really been thinking about giving up on this blog. It’s almost as if I have nothing to write about anymore. How long can I seriously keep doing 10 Top Ten Lists???
Voice of Doubt: David Letterman
“I didn’t come here to read. I came here because I Googled “Free Porn”
What’s with all these top 10 lists? Seriously. Could you hurry up with the tits please?”
Maybe Letterman is right. Maybe the internet is for Boobs and Top Ten Lists are best off on Cable TV. I have no idea why I’ve been making this blog and why it’s been SO important to me to get as many people to read it as possible. It’s pretty LAME.
For anyone who doesn’t follow me on Twitter yet my name is @Helen_paradise I might delete my account soon though because I keep hearing these voices of doubt:
Voice of Doubt: Flounder
“Wow…this blog ****ing sucks my fish nuts.”
This is exactly what I fear the most. I’m going to write a great blog and everyone’s going to overlook it because no one wants to hear what I have to say….no one wants to look at pictures of Flounder or Rabid dogs, people just want to see my BUTT.
Voice Of Doubt: Angry Dog With Rabies
“Where the **** are the pics! This blog sucks fish NUTS!”
This picture still scares the shit out of me.
I think people are having a little too high expectations from me. Trust me, I’m still in a full body cast from the Rhino attack on Monday. I’m really not really feeling very sexy right now. Maybe I should just take a bunch of naked pictures of myself and everyone can see how much pain I’ve been in. And then for those who probably thought I was joking when I said that I was trampled by a rhino, I can show them how serious I was.
If you’ve haven’t already heard me say it before self-doubt is one of my biggest weaknessness along with making blogs, telling Rambo jokes, and successfully trying to promote my blog without looking like a “spammer.” How do I promote my work without being annoying? It’s almost like a catch 22. I don’t want to seem like an attention whore, so I hold myself back from promoting this blog 24 hours a day – so I hold myself back and I only promote it 23 1/2 hours.
Sometimes I just feel so invisible.
Sometimes I just want to be noticed.
But Don’t we all?
Voice of Doubt : The Joh-Joh-Joh Joker Face
“Frankly my dear, no one gives a damn about your Bane Memes.”
He’ll often say things like:
“Still haven’t written that down the earth Zimmerman essay have ya Scarlet? Let me guess, you’ve been writing about more important things. Things like Lady Gaga.”
And he’s right. I’m not writing about anything important. Maybe the Joker should just stick a pencil in my eye and finish me off. Perhaps I’m not meant to be a blogger. Maybe I just deserve to be blown up in this hospital.
Voice of Doubt: The Godfather – Age 1
“Scarlet, I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Quit the blog. Stop beating a dead horse.
Before I put it’s head in your bed.”
Voice of Doubt. Leonardo and Rafael Getting It On
“Oh yeah baby, oh yeah….but that tongue deep in my turtle hole.”
This is what it’s like when I’m trying to promote my blog on Twitter. I’m trying to get people to read a semi-funny joke about the Godfather at Age 1, but I’m just stuck in a place where gay ninja turtles are slowly and passionately making out.
Voice of Doubt: Random Cute Baby In A Monkey Suit
“Just dropping by to say your blog fucking sucks!”
Lol? Why do I always hear this baby in my head and why is he always so rude? What an asshole. Quit smirking you little shit.
Voice Of Doubt : Cute Little Kid In A Panda Suit
“Hey Scarlet, quit trying to be cute! I’m cute…you’re not!”
I wish I could just punch this little kid in the face sometimes!
Did I just say I want to punch a little kid? What the hell is wrong with me?
Voice of Doubt : Judge Judy
“Your blogs are BORING! The only time anyone is clicking is when you’re posting pictures of your body! Quit being a Sylvia Plath wannabe! Show us your boobs!”
Wow. I can’t believe Judge Judy just said that to me. Totally not cool.
Voice of Doubt:
That Guy From the Internet Who Tried To Get Attention From People and Now He Thinks He’s Famous But He’s Not
“You’ll never succeed in being an attention whore like me, oh by the way I’m going to sue you for using my picture without permission.”
THIS voice is one that I’ve been hearing ALL the time. I feel like I’m being an attention whore. Why am I making these blogs in the first place? What’s the point? You’re just trying to be funny but everyone is dying of boredom instead of laughing and if you keep this up you’re more than likely going to be arrested for manslaughter.
The whole “picture” thing in bugging me too. What’s going to happen when Disney contacts me and tells me they’re not too happy about the picture of Aladdin having Gay Sex in my blog, “The 50 Shades of Gay.”
Wow. I cannot believe that I’ve almost typed 1100 words and I still haven’t even written one decent sentance. I give up.
I sincerely apologize for this blog. For now on it’s just going to be BOOBS, BUTTS, and BOOBS, and BUTTS . That’s it. No more words, just boobs and butts.