The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Truth About Beethoven

The Scarlet Numbers 5.5.12

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Truth About Beethoven

Now, you may be asking yourself,

“Why should I fight against movies that lack origionality?”

That’s a good question. In fact that’s a damn good question. A question that I almost don’t want to answer just “out of respect” just because it’s such a damn good question. However, that’s not gonna happen. We can’t just sit around and watch movie and movie be RUINED in the name of greed and tastelessness. It’s just not right! You can’t just make a “black version of Wizard of Oz.” Dorothy wasn’t black and she didn’t have a moehawk!!!

You can’t just make your “own version of the Wizard of Oz and expect it to be the next “Gone with the Wind.” Quite frankly, NOONE gave a damn! Where are the riots? Why aren’t there riots on the street? They just haven’t happened yet…but the time is coming close my friends….if we keep seeing this…

“Yaba-daba-doo Motherfucker”

Do you remember when the Flinstones was created in 1994? You know…back when directors actually knew how to make an origional idea. Americans are just never satisfied are they? One movie wasn’t enough before they made some spin-off cartoon that looks like it came from the 60′s. Where’s the origionality? No one wants to see a FLINSTONES CARTOON….you’re ruining the 1994 CLASSIC!!!

Seth McFarland

It’s only a matter of time before Seth MacFarland starts remaking the Flinstones just like he remade Star Wars! I bet it will probably happen in a year or so…

MARK MY WORDS!!!

And don’t get me wrong it will probably be hilarious….BUT IT’S WRONG. When is it going to end? Has Al Gore brainwashed everyone so much to recycle that we cannot create our own cartoon characters anymore? How long are we going to sit around before we’re all watching some crappy animated version of “Dancing With the Stars” thinking to ourselves….

“What’s it this Beetoven Bullshit.”

You can’t just remake King Kong…that doesn’t work! No one gives a damn if your version of King Kong had better special effects….it’s still Beetoven Bullshit!

Remember the good ol’ days before Beethoven had a sequel? This was before Beethoven’s entire reputation was completely RUINED with the sequel “Beethoven’s 2nd.” I don’t even know how to describe has bad this movie is. It’s more boring than reading a movie review by Roger Ebert.

But somehow we all saw it…

No one on earth can honestly say they

haven’t watched Beethoven 2 and that is a FACT.

It’s not just a fact, it’s a problem.

We need to bring back the Guillotine…and I’m not saying that as a metaphor. If someone had decapitated the first person who had “the great idea” for Beethoven 2nd, that would have prevented:Beethoven’s 3rd (2000), Beethoven’s 4th (2001), Beethoven’s 5th (2003), Beethoven’s Big Break (2008).

DOESN’T ANYONE HAVE A FREAKING KIT-KAT BAR!!!

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!

What’s next? Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure! Could somebody please re-introduce the Guillotine to society, I think it could really help! One good movie doesn’t deserve six shitty sequels, this should be more than illegal…it should be punishable upon death! Bring back the Guillotine!!!! The next time I see another Scream…it better be from somone’s head getting chopped off for making another American Pie!

You’ve probably never heard of him, but there’s a no name tattoo riddled musican named Ludwig Van from Detriot who – out of desperation – changed his last name to Beethoven. He was in a one-man band that did a bunch of early 90′s Alternative Rock Covers. Trust me, you’ve never heard of him but when he changed his name this began probably one of the biggest conspiracies of all time. A conspiracy so secrect and so sacred to it’s creators, there isn’t a single webpage on the entire internet itself that has even suspected for a second anything about this crazy cult!

There’s a little backstory to this so go get your popcorn….

Clive Barker:

He’s Cooler than Robocop and Rambo COMBINED!

This is my favorite author: Meet Clive Barker. You’ve probably never heard of him. And it’s a shame. Because this guy would never be thinking about making a live action movie of “Garfeild.” That’s because Clive Barker has a little something called “Taste.” It doesn’t come from your tongue, tastebuds have nothing to do with it. It’s just something that you’re born with.

Taste. Notice how no one is eating the Sundae on the left. That’s because they have taste. Comprede? I know most of you might thinking an animated series out of the show “Friends might potientially be a good idea, but I’m here today to tell you, “You’re Wrong! It’s not just a horrible idea, it’s a bring back the guillotine worthy idea.”

I don’t want to hear that crappy Rembrants song, “I’ll be there for you” unless it comes with a guillotine and a line of directors who “remake” all of our favorite classics. Movies SUCK these days. It’s only a matter of time before we’re all saying:

“What the f….is this?????”

Dr. Pepper: The Movie

Coming In 2013

I’ll tell you what it is! ….it’s a horrible idea! A terrible. Horrible. No good. Very bad idea! No one wants to just watch a can for 6 hours. What a bunch of Beethoven Bullshit! That’s what it is!!! I can’t believe Dr. Pepper is actually making a movie…we all know how awesome Dr. Pepper is…a thirty second commerial is enough to convince us….you don’t need to make a movie about it!

Where was I? Oh yeah….Clive Barker…

Best Author Ever.

As many of you know, I’ve always been a huge fan of horror movies. One of my favorite horror movies of all time was actually also written by my favorite author of all time Clive Barker. Cliver Barker has created some of my favorite short stories of all time including “Son of Celluloid” and “Rawhead Rex” and “Dread” which can both be found in collections of his short stories called, “The Books of Blood.” I really wish more people would understand how freaking awesome Clive Barker is, but it seems like everytime you mention his name people don’t recognize it.

Clive…who? Barker? Is that a Dog?

Poor guy. Everyone, and I mean everyone needs to read a book called “The Damnation Game.” It is Clive Barker’s magnum opus. It was his first novel and probably one of the best books I’ve ever read.

Question: Have you ever seen a movie that wasn’t a good as the book?

“The fly…that was a pretty good one.”

Don’t listen to that guy! Here’s just one of those “philosophers” overly obsessed with chaos theory. He probably thinks Micheal Criton’s Masterpiece wasn’t “as good as the movie” because books don’t have special effects. But he’s WRONG. The book was 20 times better. The book was spectecular. Scary enough to to make you shiver anytime you even hear the word “Velocirapor” at the dinner table.

“You’re scared shitless aren’t you? I am too!”

Unfortunately, Steven Speilburg got a little too excited about being a director and thought he could magically turn a book into a movie. It’s not gonna happen. Ever. Deal with it. And learn from your mistakes so we don’t have to watch anymore huge pieces of Dinosaur Dung came along and ruined everything!

Thanks for ruining Micheal Criton’s magnificent horrific dream everyone. Dinosaurs just aren’t scary anymore post Jurrassic Park. Barney the Dinosaur used to scare the living shit out of me, but he’s not even scary anymore. In fact, he’s kinda cute.

But he SUCKS at playing the trombone!

I mean….seriously….

Anyway….

where was I…..

Before I got distracted I was going to mention Clive Barker is best know for another book that was ruined by a movie:

Hellraiser.

When I first saw this movie it almost broke my Hellbound Heart. This is possibly one my least favorite horror franchises of all time. I was never a big fan of these movies. There was something about them that just looked so much different on screen than in my imagination. I’m not a fan. At all. I wish more people read books.

“What the….hell…………..is a book?”

I’m absolutely sure that most people don’t spend a lot of time reading books. So when you actually see a movie that’s based off a book it’s always interesting to see what they did, but I don’t think I can think of a single instance where I’ve read a book wasn’t

“Jurassic-Park-ized”

I just made that word up. Now it’s time to add it to the Urban Dictionary.

Did I forget to mention Cliver Barker created Candyman? Best. Author. Ever. I mean seriously this is one of the most creative villians of all time. He’s like a black-captain hook. Totally horrifying. This guy makes Pinhead look like a Pinhead.

I’ll get back to Candyman in a minute – I never finished by story about Beethoven

Meet the King of Remakes and Sequels:

Brian Levant (the director of Beethoven)

Let’s take a look at all the franchises this guy has ruined….

Year Film Director Producer Writer Notes
1991 Problem Child II Yes
1992 Beethoven Yes
1994 The Flintstones Yes
1996 Jingle All The Way Yes Nominated – Razzie Award for Worst Director
1997 Leave It to Beaver Yes
2000 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas Yes
2002 Snow Dogs Yes
2005 Are We There Yet? Yes
2009 Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins Yes Yes
2010 The Spy Next Door Yes
Scooby-Doo! Curse of the Lake Monste

This guy has always been an activist against classical music and he hated this guy from Detriot named Beethoven SO much he convinced millions of his fans to create a secret society called

The Alliance of Fanboys of Beethoven the Movie.”

This cult is widely known to be one of the most secretive socities in history. Fans of the movie Beethoven from all across the world met up at secrect underground locations and meticulously planned a long complicated way they would stop Beethoven the Musican to save their Beloved Beethoven Frachise from Crumbling!

“Wait…Beethoven was a musician? I thought he was a dog!”

The Alliance of Fanboys of Beethoven the Movie began a campiagn to entirely ruin “Bethoveen the Musician’s” reputation so they could launch their never-ending campaign of Beethoven moives.

And it worked.

They began on Wikipedia.

Since this was an encyclopedia anyone can edit, the alliance of Fanboys of Beethoven the Movie cleverly vandalised “Beethoven the Musican from Detriot’s” Wikipedia page to make it look like he died in 1827.

And it worked.

People actually believed it.

Keep in mind, this was still back in the good old days of 1994, basically when the internet was brand spanking new – and during that period of time – people actually believed everything they read on the internet. But even after “Prodject Vandalize Beethoven the Musican’s Wikipedia Page” was complete, Brian Levant was still unimpressed. So he hired a director named…

Bernard Rose

Bernard Rose was well known for making non-fiction documentaries such as:

Bernard Rose joined the Alliance of Fanboys of Beethoven the Movie in 1994…

His goal was to make “Beethoven the Musican” look as ridiculous as possible. With the help of his cult, they actually successfully made it publically believable that “Beethoven the muscian” died in 1827.

Beethoven

Bernard Rose was so obsessed with trying to capitialize on his favorite “dog” movie, that he actually sat down and created “all Beethoven’s music” along wth a film which he cleverly disguised as a true story:

But ironcially, this all BACKFIRED! “Beethoven the Musican” became known as one of the most influentical and historically important musicians of all time. Public opion changed and people now generally perceived Beethoven as “a man, not a dog.”

And the public was still unaware of this…

The Actual Beethoven

Believe it or not, this was the man who changed his last name to Beethoven and started it all. He has a HORRIBLE musician, but thanks to the “The Alliance of Fanboys of Beethoven the Movie” he is now one of the most famous and respected musicians alive. How did this happen? How could so many people be fooled?

“Honey, I have bad news…Beethoven is a tattoed meth-addict.”

This is exactly why this conspiracy has never been debunked. We’re all too scared to break our little girls hearts and let them know that Beethoven is actually “not really a dog.” So we let them continue to make Beethoven movies year and after….

We let Beethoven movies just walk all over us and there’s nothing we can do about. Nothing. They’ll be making Beethoven movies for……ev……ver.

UNLESS…..

…..

WE FIGHT BACK!!!!

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS SHIT:

You can’t just slap Dr. Suess’s name on something and expect it to be good. It’s snot! It sucks! BRING BACK THE GUILLOTINE!!!! BRING IT BACK! BRING IT BACK NOW BEFORE WE’RE ALL IN THEATERS LOOKING AT SHITTY COMPUTER GENERATED SNORKS!

Trust me. The Shitty-Sequels and Remakes are never going to end….EVER unless we all collectively do something about it! We need to start throwing of feces at the screen the second we see anything in a film that we don’t like. It is the only way to make a true difference

Question…

what can we do to stop horrible sequels from spawning out of the hairy vaginas of Hollywood so we can actually one day…someday…see a movie on the big screen that actually contained at least ONE percent of a somewhat original idea?

Answer:
STOP GIVING YOUR MONEY TO THESE PEOPLE.

Seriously. I’m not joking.

If Hollywood is going to just throw shit up on our screens….

we should at least throw it back!!!!

Together we can fight. And together we can win.

AS LONG AS WE TELL HOLLYWOOD….
NO MORE REMAKES!!!!
NEVERMORE WILL BE WATCH CRAPPY REMAKES!
NEV—–VER——MORE!!!!!!

Please join my new Facebook Group:

The Alliance of Actors and Fans Against Sequels and Remakes.

Hopefully together we can make a real difference. Change we can believe in!

-Scarlet


About thescarletnumbers

Journalist.
This entry was posted in Movies, Rants and Raves and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Truth About Beethoven

  1. Awesome post. I couldn’t agree with you more on all counts. Movies in general at the moment, SUCK. Origiality is a foreign word, and will somebody please stop Uwe Bol from making movies. Hell he shouldn’t be allowed to even watch them!! One great and highly original movie coming out this year… Battleship. Hmm I see the script now. G4… Hit ca[tain – cut to random sex scene – h8… Hit captain.

    I say miss, Miss, MISS!!!
    Clive Brker rocks and is my writing hero. Along with Stephen King. The books of Blood were freaking awesome and inspired my soon to be published short story collection greatly. Damnation Game was stunning, especially for a first novel. Dread was a great short, but my favorite, for originality was In the Hills, The Cities. What he created there was something truly stunning.

    I have joined your group and will happily champion the cause. However, one remake that was I think was pretty decent was The Fly. Ok, Vincent Price rocks the insect horror world, but Cronenburg is a genius. Videodrome was an incredible movie, and one I can watch over and over again. Although, if there was a book, I am sure it would be better.

  2. J.D.Hughes says:

    Good post. I still have ‘Cabal’ and ‘Weaveworld’ on my bookshelves. ‘Hellraiser’ was eaten by a past dog who enjoyed reading by taste. He left a Shaun Hutson intact.

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