The Scarlet Numbers 5.27.12
Does anyone else smell that? It sure as hell smells like fish in here today. Did someone get a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s? Catfish? Chicken of the Sea? Sushi? Whatever it is, something really stinks. I’ll be right back I’m going to go get some Lysol…
Okay, I’m back.
I’m sure most of you are wondering how you can get
pussy left and right all day everyday day.
I’m going to try my best to explain to all you men out there that “All Pussy is not the same.” It’s just not true under any circustances unless you happen to walk into a room where Justin Bieber and Axl Rose are playing ping-pong. In that very rare case, you’ll see two pussies that are completely the samel.
But keep in mind that pussy never comes on a silver platter. You have to work for that pussy. Hopefully, you have the ability to morph into a yellow vehicle and scoop up all the pussy in the world just like Justin Beiber. What’s that? Oh. You don’t have that ability. Oh. Well, that sucks to be you. You’re going to have to get pussy the hard way.
I’m going to try to talk about pussy all day today because yesterday my rating were lower than they’ve ever been in the entire clitstory of this blog. So today the ONLY thing I’m going to talk about all day is pussy, pussy, pussy!
Oh and vaginas.
I want to make sure that you’re getting pussy right this second. However, as readers of http://www.thescarletnumbers.com I want to make sure that you’re better QUALITY pussy over quanTITTIES. So today I’m going to teach you twat you need to be a cunt-collecting P.I.M.P.
Just replace everytime he says “butts” with “pussy” you get the picture
Now honestly, I don’t know who’s reading this right now. I’m assuming it’s probably my only 3 fans: Bobby G****, C***W*** J****, and **** *******. Maybe Alom and Jenn might have made it this far, but I doubt it. lol. Anyway, where was I, I’m going to teach you how to get pussy. Consider me your teacher, and consider you as the reader my class of pre-pussy gradulades. Now get out your Etcha Sketches and start taking some notes:
HERE ARE THE FIRST FOUR THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PUSSY:
- There are a wide variety of vaginas on planet earth.
- There is only one variety of vaginas on planet married.
- There are limitless varieties of vaginas on planet “cheating.”
- There is no vagina on planet “divorced.”
Got that? Now with that being said, I would strongly encourage you to shake your Etcha Sketches and forget everything that I’ve said so far in this 1,800 word intro.
Just remember that is a WIDE variety of pussy. Be patient. A patient man gets a good pussy. So put your dog in your kennel and tuck in your shirt.And zip up your Wranglers….or are those Levis? I never can tell the differencell!
Now obviously you’re not Dave Matthews if so you would be buried in a pile of pussy and you won’t even be able to read this text. That guy gets so much pussy he’s actually allowed to make songs about getting pussy and this somehow isn’t creeping any women out. That’s because he wrote “Crash into me.” That’s what pussies want. They want crash test dummies to smash right into them. In cars. That’s at least my interpretation of the song “Crash into me.” btw…does anyone remember the band that sang that song.”mmmmmmm…mmmmmmm.”
That didn’t really look as good on paper at it kind when I was singing it into this dictation device. Where was I?
Oh yeah. I am Miss Miago and I’m here to wax on and off my pussy. Does anyone want to help? Okay fine I get it…full body casts aren’t sexy.
Let me just teach you today how to get pussy left and right without turning into a huge yellow pussy scooping vehicle.
Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, but you should only come in the BEST shapes and the BEST sizes. Take a look at the chart above and let’s talk about what we see.
All of them look pretty damn pretty except for the Lowleg Type and the (|) Type.
You’re probably thinking to yourselves, “Shit, I’d fuck them all.”
No! No! No! Boys! Any more cursing and I’m going to give you all detention. Trust me class, the woman’s locker room is not always a hot steamy lesbian orgy. (That’s only about 38% of the time.) The rest of the time it’s a vagina freak show. If you’re one of those guys who thinks that “all pussy is the same.” You’re absolutely one cuntdred percent wrong. That’s twat the way it works. Each and every birdcage has clits of a different feather. So before you hope on Twitter and begin twitting the clits to the teet- I suggest first putting your big hard beak in her clitter.
BLUE BALLS = SAFE.
BLUE ANYTHING ELSE= RUUUUUNN!!!!!!
“Leggo my Eggo!!!!”
Stay the hell away from any woman who has blue birds busting from her puss. Especially if their beaks have the sent of Waffles.
Hopefully all my friends from Wordpuss and Googlepuss have read my blog called “Photographing your Vagina: Perfect Pink Pussy Pictures.” If you haven’t seen what a perfect vagina looks like, go back and look at it right now.
This is important. Go do it now.
I’ll wait for you.
Alright now that you’re back, let’s continue our lessson plan. What were we learning about today…oh yeah PUSSY. There’s more varieties of pussy than there is pokemon. REMEMBER: STD’s are not like Pokemon. You don’t gotta catch them all. Trust me, if you don’t protect your missle when entering the enemy’s territory there’s about 150 STD’s that you can get that will have you saying:
“You sunk my battleship.”
And no, that’s not an erectile dystfuntion joke, that’s a “no one’s ever going to fuck you ever again without using a condom” joke. Let’s try to keep your Titanic rock hard cockerspaniels on their leashes and away from sharks, and diseases, and icebergs. Seriously, watch out for those icebergs with your Titanic because you’re just going to end up at the end of the day with some romantic scene rather than some “getting pussy scene.” You don’t want that do you?
Look at her. She’s having a BOREgasm….
But that’s okay…because her between those ice cold legs
this bitch has a “Soda Snatch”
Trust me. No one wants to sip on that.
You might be asking yourself, “What the hell is a “Soda Snatch.” You have two options you can be patient and wait until I get around to it or you can just quickly skim down and look for the picture. Are you back?
Before you stick your quarters into ANY vending machine, always make sure you have the correct change and you ask yourself these IMPORTANT TWO QUESTIONS:
1. Did my science teacher in school encourage me to stick my penis in this thing or did my science teacher in school encourage me to kill this thing with a giant oversized bear-trap?
2. Will I die/get an STD/ get rabies / get lime disease / dick bitten off/ burned off/ snapped off / is her fishtank leaking / is this vagina blue/or will this vagina make my dick wet.
If you answer to any of these questions was “Yes” or “No”
You might have just stuck your worm in
THE LEAKY FISHTANK OF DOOM.
“Screw you guys! I’m going home!”
Not even Iron Man can withstand the some puss…
And trust me….Iron Man gets all the puss. That’s why we wears that Iron Suit.
Twat the hell was he thinking? He should have used more protection from that skanky ho. It’s too bad the Hulk wasn’t around. He would have conquered that bitch.
So my wise words to you everyone is before you begin your dinner, make sure you know twat you’re eating. Here’s a list of The 25 Different Types of Vagina:
Let’s get started…
1. The Dophin Shaped Pussy
Habitat: The Motion of the Ocean
The Dolphin Vagina is the best pussy money can buy. It’s always wet and slippery, always eager to be flipped upside down, sideways, horizontal, verticle, underneath, overneath, hell…you can flip this type of pussy in any direction mathmatically possible without even having to use a protractor. These pussies are always “squeaky” clean and they are always eager to learn new tricks. These warm blooded vaginas can stay up to 15 minutes underwater, but they cannot breathe underwater.
If you’re a swinger keep in mind these warm blooded pussies are perfect for your Killer Whale. Oh and if you’re a lesbo, know these wet slippery perfect pussies are always eager to eat fish.
2. Wet Pussy
Habitat: At Three Forks, Car Backseat, Chip and Dales
A wet pussy is also a preferrable pussy for your vicious dog. Upon careful inspection, feel free to unzip your fly and let your man’s best friend off it’s leash into a puddle of purr-fect pleasure. This wet pussy will be meowing for more and is capable of having multiple furr-gasms. Don’t be afraid to let your dog off of it’s leash and get a little ruff. Just don’t be a pussy. If you’re going to bark all day like a little doggy and you’re not going to bite…it’s likely that you’ll be giving this wet pussy a BORE-gasm. Then she’ll throw you in the doghouse and you won’t be able to slip and slide all over this pussy.
“Noooo!!!! Leggo my Eggoooo!”
However just make sure the slide you’re sliding down isn’t blue..trust me….when you’re in Pussyville…you never want to have the blues.
Never ever slide down a slippy blue vag hole unless
you’re hungry for some Blue Waffles….
Trust me. No one wants to get a Blueberry Eggo Preggo.
3. The Wings of Love (Redwings)
Also known as the right place, the wrong time.
Habitat: Depends on the woman and date
Drop rate 1/4.
If you chose to take out your Red Bull slide into the wings of this slipperly slope…
“Don’t forget to bring a towel!”
4. Beef Curtains / Shotgun Blast / Exploded Bubble Gum
Habitat: Nursing Homes
The next time you hear someone say “All Pussy is the Same” Take him to the closest nursing home and have someone show you their Beef Curtains. These stretched out and saggy vaginal lips with make you wish their were accompanied with a metal zipper just like your Levis. Remember that chasity belt from Robin Hood men in tights? You’ll be looking for one of those on ebay to avoid these big saggy pussy lips from ever seeing the light of day.
“Oooh…look.I went to a gay bar in Chicago
“Who is Cam McCleaeam?….it’s a good thing I cancelled that Mastercard!”
If you’ve had a LOT of gin and coke zero and you’re desperate to get laid and you’re stuck in a blizzard and need something to keep your nuts from freezing off, you MIGHT want to consider plunging your Abominable Snowman into the sticky but warm cautionary cave of Double Bubble. If you are put in this sad situation for some unfortunate reason, there’s two things that you need to look out for:
- Pay attention to the color of the bubble gum.
- As a rule of thumb, if it’s pink, it’ll be a treat. If it’s brown, get out of town.
- Or: It’s it’s pink play it out, if it’s brown- sit it out in the dugout
You won’t necassaritly die if you happen to shoot your six shooter in some exploded brown bubble gum. You’ll just feel ashamed waking up the next day with the nursing home staff giggling under their breath as you walk through the hallway of shame of of the nursing home and out of Double-Bubbleville.
It’s embarrassing, but it’s certainly better than having your balls freeze off.
5. The Stray Pussy
HABITAT: Bars, College Campuses, lead role in the show Sex in the City
Stay the fuck away from these bitches. Sure they’re good at giving head, but when you’re getting an STD test and they’re shoving one of those earwax cleaners down your pee hole you’ll have a major headache in more way than one.
And as you are doing your walk of shame down the hallway of Planned Abortionhood, don’t ask for any of these sluts numbers who are waiting in line. I repeat, yes, they’re good at giving head. But do you really want to put a cue-tip in your peehole again?
I didn’t think so.
6. The Cavern
Habitat: Carlsbad Cavern, One Night Stands, you’re best friend’s mom’s garage
This is a dark and moist place that you may lurk after drinking a little too much Gin and Coke Zero after a night of bar hopping. But beware. There’s a reason why these caverns are dark, wide, and filled with deadly creatures.
I know you may be tempted to “raid” this vagina with all of your friends to get some “purple-loot” at the end, but trust me….it’s not worth the time. There are better Instances which will give you better XP. It’s simply just not worth the time or gold that it’s going to cost to fix your armor to sleep with a woman who’s vagina resembles a cavern. Plus all of the MOBS is this place just drop a bunch of trash loot that no one needs. My advice is:
- Quit playing World of Warcraft immediately
- Stay away from blue cave vaginas
- Diablo 3 is okay for the time being…
- Stalagmites or Stalagmates…whatever they’re both just fucking sharp things likely to fall on chop off your dick while you’re exploring some random drunk girl’s dark blue cave.
7. The Grand Canyon
Habitat: Arizona, Pacific Ocean, The Labrinth, Atlanic Ocean
If you ever happen to see a vagina that resembles a steep-sided canyon carves by the Colorado River in the United States in the State of Arizona…..don’t sleep with her!
Okay look, I get it. That girl wouldn’t fuck you after your Titanic hit and iceberg and Scarett Johansen beat the living shit out of you even when you were in your Iron Man suit…..times are tough. But they’re not that tough!
Don’t be fooled when you’re dating this baby-spitting entity with an 18 mile wide pussy hole. I know what’s your thinking…”But she looks like Angelia Jolie…”
No. She doesn’t.
“But I can crawl up in that cave and reenact Tomb Raider scenes.”
Again, no. It’s a bad idea.
She’s not TOMB RAIDER….
SHE’S WOMB RAIDER….
I know you probably think it’s cool you can climb into this woman’s pussy and work your way through the maze until you meet the Ziggy Stardust…
But trust me…it’s not as cool as it seems.
If you do this you’ll just jump magic, jump magic jump
right into a child support battle one she tells you that you accidentely dropped your cumrag into her abyss of a pussy the last time she gave you head and now she’s pregnant with 38 new babies
Run!!! It’s the Cleaner! She’s come to clean out our bank accounts!
Hurry before someone asks Sarah what kind of magizenes she likes to read.
I know what you’re thinking, “All pussy feels the same.”
You went on a date with your and her Army of Children. You went to Chuckie Cheese and now Chuckie’s afraid of children. But that doesn’t mother you. You trust her. You know she’s not just after a wad of your white stuff. And green stuff. That’s cool with you. You’re ready for a serious relationship with a girl who is semi-famous, who kind of looks like Angelia Jolie, and only has a billion kids. She’s sweet. She’s honest. And she told you no one has ever found a fossilized reptile skeleton or bone within the depths of her bottomless vagina.
You’re curious to explore more deep depths inside of her Atlantic Vag with your new Scuba gear….I get it…you’re facinated her pussyhole below 4,500 feet below sea level.
8. The Juice Box
HABITAT: Yard. Milkshakes. Boys.
So you’ve finaly met “the one.” You call her the juicebox. You call her that because when you’re fucking her there”s a distinct squelching noise that can be heard when you push your dick back and forth inside her VCR. She tells you you’re the sexiest VHS tape on the planet. However the next day at work when you’re high-fiving your best bud, your boss Wickchad walks in and fires you. You pack up all of your stuff from your desk and sadly drive hope…
And you walk in to see your love…your one and only juicebox….. fucking some random guy named Betamax. He’s giving it to her hard. So hard you can hear the distinct squelching – that sound that once symbolized the strength of your love for each other….Betamax immediately runs out of the window and gets away…
Your love…juicebox…she begs for forgiveness… But you just….can’t….forgive her. Every night when you’re trying to sleep all you can hear is the squelching sound her pussy made when she was cheating on you with Betamax.
So you pack your bag up and you dump her ass. Then you start fucking this fine bitch named Hi-C.
9. Cum Dumpster
Habitat: Alley ways
This pussy right here is like heroin. You know you shouldn’t be doing it. But it just feels soooo good. It doesn’t matter how classy you think you are….we all fuck dumpsters every once and it while. It feels good….just admit it.
But your co-workers have noticed a change in you. You’re spending all your money on this worthless dumpster who refuses to mess around with you unless you pay it. Evetually, you get tired of the flies…you get tired of all the trash and the smell…..ugh…..so you finally dump the bitch.
You go home and wait by the phone waiting for her to call you back. But she never does. You stop yourself countless times from crawling back to her just for one last pity screw. She usually only charges six or seven bucks. You’ve gone through all the couches in your house and finally collected enough spare change. And then you realize….you’re addicted.
So you continue to crawl back to this dumpster again and again reguardless of the stench every Tuesday and Friday for the rest of your life. Until finally one day you die of old age right when you’re on the toilet about to finish the 1st suduko puzzle of your entire life. If only you would have written than 3 on the page sooner….
10. Blue Waffle
Blue Waffle is a vaginal disease and the term should not be confused with the quick drying towels that are used to dry and wipe cars and other vehicles. The disease causes a very dirty condition of vagina of females and a continuous smelly discharge flows from the vagina. The whole vaginal part becomes torn and cracking of skin appears in the area surrounding the vagina. The disease spreads to the anus also and causes a painful sensation in the body. The inflammation of the vagina also occurs making it very painful and unbearable for the affected woman.The disease is mainly seen in prostitutes and whores who indulge in excessive sexual activities. Unsafe sex, use of sex toys and prostitution are the major causes of this disease. In medical terms, Blue Waffle disease is defined as battered or infected lady cake of blue or green coloring, often brought about by extreme damage to the female vagina with penis or device of similar nature. Prevention is the best cure of this disease and unsafe sex must be avoided to stay away from this disgusting and pathetic disease. Condoms must be used because Blue Waffle may also lead to some Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Blue Waffle becomes a very painful condition during the old age and it must be understood that unsafe sex is always an open invitation for Blue Waffle disease
11. The Venus Fly Snatch
If and only if you decide to finally dump that cum-dumpster you were dating a week ago, you’ll decide to fly to Vegas to enjoy the only state in America were prositution is legal. So you’ll pack your fly-suitcase, tie your fly neck-tie, and then buzz off to Vegas to find some cheap whore that doesn’t smell like trash.
When you first see this vagina you are amazed. It’s wetness looks so natural. You begin to thirst for the visible vaginal fluid which appears just like pure drops of rain from the Ozarks.
This vagina will swallow you whole. Say goodbye to your fly-suitcase, your fly-necktie, your fly-life. You are dead. You should have stuck with the dumpster.
12. The Little Snatch of Horrors
Habit: Flower shop
This blood hungry vagina will force to squeeze blood from your dick into it’s mouth until it finally grows so big it will eat you.
13. The Tip Jar
Habit: Strip Club Bathrooms
This actually isn’t a vagina at all…these tip jars are pretty rare to come about. However, some strip club bathroom have these tip jars who will try to assist you with washing your hands as if you don’t know how to do it yourself. Annoying enough they don’t even accept cash, they just expect you to come inside their mouths as some kind of “tip” – I saw this on the history channel once…..I think.
Anyway….I got off subject, let’s continue with this pussy quest….
#14. The Soda Snatch
Habitat: Kate Winslet
Remember the Titanc Scene from like 2,000 words ago back when this blog was actually funny…yeah….that’s what it looks like. Pretty gross huh?
Yep. Your’re better off just jerking it and caling it a night.
#15. The Roast Beef Sandwhich
Habitat: Nomadic (follows you everywhere until restraining order)
Just when you think you’ve hit every low possible in your life from tip jars, to cum dumpsters, here comes along the roast beef sandwhich politely asking you to go down on her. You tell her, “Hell to the No.”
However, later that day you’re stomach starts to growl a little bit and you think to yourself, “I’m thinking Arby’s.” Half and hour later you’re munching this thing like it’s an Everlasting Gobstopper.
#16. The Citrus Snatch
This isn’t a pussy. This is a piece of fruit. When you get tired of jerking off to internet porn rather than going out and meeting a hot Hi-C Juicebox, you just go to the grocery store and buy an orange with what appears to be something that looks similar to a vagina on it’s peel. You fuck this thing so hard you don’t even recognize what kind of fruit your holding in your hand anymore. But you eat it anyway.
Yep. You’ve officially reached a new low once again.
This Vagina Shark basically just swims around the Florida coast of the Atlantic Ocean looking for George Zimmerman and Casey Anthony
so it can bite their dicks off.
#18. Chicken of The Sea
Habitat: Sea / Chick-Fil-A
These pussies smell like fucking tuna. Stay away from them.
#19. The Tat Snatch
Is is an artifical vagina that you lick for good luck every once in a while.
#20. Pooh in the Puss
Habitat: Nomadic (usually travels from ass, to toilet paper to pussy)
This is a vagina that’s okay to have sex with but it’s not really very tasty. In fact, I doubt the FDA would approve this pussy on any grocery store shelf in the country.(Well except maybe in Vegas.)
Exhibit A: Example of How Poo in Puss Origionates
#21. Scooby’s Sloppy Seconds
Habitat: In the Back of the Mystery Machine
Okay look, you’re hungry. You got stoned and had to walk all the way to the nearest gas station to buy some more scooby-snacks. While you were gone Scooby banged the hell out of Velma, but she’s still horny. Take one for the team Shaggy.
#22. A Crabby Paddie
Habitat: Hilary Clinton
This is basically just a blue Waffle with bread.
#23. A Leaky Peachy
Quite often when saving the princess in a cobwebbed tower you might realize that she has a “leaky peachy” downstairs. Don’t worry. This just means that she’s ready to go.
#24. The Sideways Snatch
#25. The Wrecked Rammed By A Rhino Pussy
What Scarlet really looks like. (However underneath the full body cast, she has a dolphin pussy eager to please anyone and everyone.)
Thank you for attending class today students! Now go out and get some pussy!