10 Easy Jobs That Pay The Big Bucks-

The Scarlet Numbers 5.28.12

 Hello world.  Today I’m going to talk about easy jobs that will make you loads of cash for doing virtually nothing.  No one likes to work.  And working hard is especially less fun.  The secrect to making money is simple.  Find a job that doesn’t require working. It’s really that simple. Full time jobs are for suckers.  And morons.

“I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A MORON

AND START MAKING THE BIG BUCKS.”

Okay.  Now you’ve offically heard it from me and Uncle Sam.  So I suggest you go get a pen and paper and start some serious note-taking.

Let’s get started:

Job: Bank Robber

What You Need:

• Ski mask/clown face/Bill Clinton mask/pantie hose/
• Hand gun / Machine Gun / Super Soaker
• Bag to put the money in.
• Recommended:  Get away driver. (Preferably driving a school bus.)

What You Need:

• A really nice camera.
• One finger. (Finger must be capable of pressing buttons.)
• Shallow artistic personality
• Recommended: Big Boobs

What you need-

• Must know the entire alphabet.
•  stand up for at least thirty minutes to an hour.
• Must be able to recognize when blank letter boxes light up and be able to turn them after they chime.
• Must be okay with the sound of spinning wheels.
• Optional: Knowing how to read.  (Recommended, but not required.)
• Required: Name must be Vana White.

 If robbing banks and photography is simply not up your alley, try considering becoming Vana White. Filling her shoes is easy.  They’re size seven. If you don’t really have any physical resemblance to her, ask your plastic surgeon how he can help. Surely, he’ll come up with several solutions to your “not-being-Vana-White” dilemna.

Job: 

What’s that?

What You Need:

• Rich Father
• Chiwawa
• Bikini
• Iphone
• Sunglasses
• Starbucks
• Everything else under the fucking sun.

 Are you tired of making no more than $30,000 a year and looking for a professional job than requires a shit-load of sunbathing and texting?  Being a Rich Bitch might be the profession of your dreams!  Basically all you have to do is whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want.  It’s that simple!  And the payoff is extrodinary…the only thing that you need is a rich father who is semi-famous and possibly a couple reality t.v. show deals.

Job:

A Protector of Someone Else’s Legacy

Exhibit A.

First Name: “Wait…a minute aren’t you….”

Last Name:  ”Yep. I’m Bob Marley’s Son.”

If Andre 3000 thinks he’s going to be filming a movie about Bob Marley anytime soon,  he better be prepared for some serious lawsuits.  In a recent interview with CNN, Wait…a minute aren’t your Yep I’m Bob Marley’s Son said that no one has permission to use Bob Marley’s image without her permission.  This Daddy’s Boy has one love, and one love only: Suing the shit out of people for work that he didn’t even create in the first place.

One Love: My Son.  Not Andre 3000 (whoever that is.) Oh..and Weed.

Exhibit B 

Frances Bean “Spending Your Nirvana Money” Cobain (Left)

Exhibit C: (right)

Courtney “spending my dead husband’s money on crack is what I” Love

What you Need:

• Someone Else’s Success.
• Permission.

I know that I said I wouldn’t make fun of Courtney Love anymore in my blog “Six Female Rockstars That Will Probably Kill You.”  However, I’m tired of “protecting her legacy” although doing so is practically effortless.  All you really have to do “to protect someone’s legacy” is spend their money and sue the shit out of anyone who uses “your work (wink, wink)” without permission.

Job:

Pet Rock Inventor

What you Need:

• Rocks

Job:

Porn Director

What You Need:

• One camera.
•  Two Girls.
•  One Cup.

Job:

Limo Driver

What You Need:

• Must find suitcase full of money.
• Optional: Being able to differentiate Austria from Austrialia.
• Must have a pen.
• Must have paper.
•  Must have the ability to write IOU’s.
• Must have bullet-proof vest.
• Optional: Bullet-proof face.

“You might not want to lose this one.”

Job:

Con Artist

What You Need:

• Blank Check

Job: 

Professional Blogger

What You Need: 

• Nothing.
• Optional: The ability to spell “orgionality” and “Chiwawa” correcltly