After 70 years of being straight, Green Lantern finally says “F*** it.”
The Scarlet Numbers 6.1.12 (Version 2)
Is 70 years too early to be coming out of the closet? Some people are saying “Yes.”
Hello world. So I hear today the Green Lantern admitted that he’s been lying for 70 years about his sexuality. “I would describe myself as being gay…” He said, “Let’s just say I’m definately not interested in women anymore unless they have balls.”
“Marvel is basically telling us all that we should wait 70 years to come out of the closet.”
“Green Lantern has commited waaaay to many fashion no-no’s to ever be accepted by us. If he wants to “really” be “gay.” We’re okay with the suit, but he needs to loose the ring and the macho attitude. And he needs to stop kissing and marrying girls, that’s definately against gay protocol.”
“Kissing another man is awesome.” Green Lantern says. All you gotta do is imagine you’re kissing a woman with balls. It’s that easy.”
Gay legislators are still trying to determine whether Green Lantern is “legally” gay or simply just trying to appease Marvel’s insistance of “turning all our favorite superheroes into the gayest things we’ve ever seen.”
“I’m definately gay.” Green Lantern says, “Trust me, Robin and I have video to prove it.”
However, most of us just aren’t buying it. No one wants to see a video of Robin and Green Lantern doing God Knows What with God Knows How Many Cups. When people think of Green Lantern, they don’t want to be reminded of that link you’ve regretted clicking on that stained your mind forever with “things that can’t be unseen.”
Although we all say under our breaths “Green lantern is still an absoute flamomboyant flaming flamer!” everyone seems to disagree that he’s “actually” gay. He’s more like “Richard Simmons Gay.” The spokesman for the gay community said, “The kind of gay that everyone knows about but is never publically mentioned to prevent sex-tapes and cups from ruining the reputations of our heroes.”
“Marvel is doing marvelous things to the Marvel Universe.”
“I’ve been suggesting to Marvel for years that every episode should end with me getting married to a man and sucking is giant ****. However, it just wasn’t the right place and the right time. We’re living in a post “Will & Grace” era now. It’s okay to admit that you’d rather eat a hotdog rather than an old smelly tuna sandwhich.
“This is real man-on-man beer drinking, toilet seat ignoring, bromance.”
The truth is Superman and I are tired of hiding our secrect relationship from the public. Our love for each other is just way too strong. We fell in love with each other faster than a speeding bullet. And hopefully it will stay that way…all over my face.”
“It’s not just puppy love….It’s poopy-love.”
“I summon you to suck my ****!”
However some of us are a little skeptical. “Green Lantern is a married straight man!” One closeted gay Green Lantern enthusiast said in an interview. There is certainly nothing homo***** about Green Lantern whatsoever. So what if he’s “taken one for the team” here and there. It’s probably just a phase.
When asking this Green Lantern enthusiant if it would also take him 70 years to come out he said,
“Trust me, if Green Lantern were gay, I would be gay too. That’s simply just not the case. I want to see some proof before I ******* around the park trying to use my ring to make men **** my ****. Show me the video. If the video exists, let’s see if the balls actually touched! If they never touched, it’s simply not that gay, just kinda gay.”
Hardcore Marvel fans say this news is a refreshing green fist in the butt of every true Green Lantern fanboy.
“It’s time to reveal my true identity so Marvel can finally start f***ing selling more Green f***ing Lantern comics. Everyone f***ing loves gay superheroes. What’s the big f***ing deal anyway? I’ll still be the same Superhero you all know and love. Except, rather than saving helpless women, I’ll be shoving my f***ing fist up barely legal boy’s ****holes in my spare time. Which will be ALL the time if it’s up to me.”
Taste the Lantern….
When Marvel was accused of “only making superheroes gay to sell more comics.” Marvel completely denied the accusations, “From the very beginnning we knew… Green Lantern would eventually have a midlife crisis and resort to homosexuality to save the world. It’s pretty normal for Superheros to be gay these days. We planned this story “arc” this from the start. It was actually pretty obvious from the beginning that we’d have to reboot these comics and start all over due to public demand for more gay activity in comicbooks. This isn’t something that we just made out out of nowhere. The idea didn’t just come up spontaneously from behind…
The Marvel representative continued:
“Just about everybody thinks about balls when they’re kissing a woman.”
“Everytime I’d be asked to do a kissing scene we’d start kissing and I’d get an instant *****. Just as I slowly began trying to rub her ****s…my ***** instantly went away upon realizing her lack of balls.” Green Lantern said.
Just face it America, Marvel hates how homophobic you are and they’re trying to shove it in your face. And by “it” I mean “balls.”
Green Lantern seemed extremely relieved to be about to ****ing about this subject. He says that overall he enjoyed 70 years of ****ing dansels in distress, however, “That just doesn’t sell comics anymore. If you want to be a hero these days, you gotta play for the same team. And by same team I mean getting down on your knees and ****ing some major ****. That sells comics. Trust me. The Incredible Hulk would have never made it anywhere without being able to give an incedible ****job.”
“I got tired of women getting grossed out everytime I asked them if they wanted to scissor.”
“Sigh….I guess it will be another night will no balls in my mouth. I hate my life.”
A new verison of 2009′s Green Lantern will be released later this year featuring, “Extremely homosexual lines that we intentionally removed from the movie to keep his secrect sexuality under wraps. The New Gay Version of 2009′s Green Lantern will have “snarky, sarcastic faggotry” that is sure to portray the story from a completely different perpertive.
“I knew something had to change. Something big. Something sweaty. And hairy. And preferrably in my mouth.”
Ryan Renolds says the reason it took him so long to finally admit his sexuality was due to “wanting to make another Van Wilder movie.” When I was told that they weren’t interesting in me being in the sequel, that’s when I knew…I better do something to save my career. Then Marvel called and informed me of my new sexuality. At first I wasn’t sure what to think. So I went to the nearest gay bar just to check out the scene and IT WAS AWESOME. I felt like finally I found my calling…
Okay yeah, what get it already, he’s gay. The real question we need to be asking ourselves is, “Who F***ing cares.” Marvel however is pretty pissed that no one really cares about Green Lanterns sexuality.
“We thought that more people would be shocked and blog about it. We’re going to wait and see the public’s reation first before we pull out. If “gay works” that will definately be a “green light” for Plan B: The Gay Avengers. It’s going to be the biggesst x-rated gay orgy ever seen on live screen. This is something we’ve been planning for DECADES. We can’t wait to see the Incredible Hulk shoot his inredible loads all over Captain America’s face while Thor and Samuel L. Jackson slowly lick it off. It’s going to be AWESOME.”
“Despite Marvel’s attempts to appeal more to gays, most people think they should stop being so fucking gay.”
Statistics actually show that most people didn’t even know that Marvel’s SuperQueero’s were soooo gay, unless “They googled it.” Marvel says they are doing everything in their power to try to make everyone as gay as possble.
“You can’t just magically hypnotize everyone to suddenly love homosexuality. It’s not gonna happen. It takes 70 years to convince an audience that homosexuality is completely okay despite what the bible says about it.”
Fox News certainly wasn’t too enthuised to hear they would be “a lot of green fits going you-know-where in the not too distant future. And oveall, the question still remains in the back our our heads at all times:
“Is it okay to be gay? “
“Just kidding…I’m not gay….I swear!!!!”
Nice try Green Lantern. I didn’t just type 1500 words for you to change your mind. You can’t just “turn” back and not be gay anymore once you’re plunged your fist out of the closet and into the “dark wet hole of strugging comicbook sales.” If you think it’s going to be easy to “try to change your mind” and convince everyone that you’re not completely flaming….good luck with that.
Say hello to Whitney Houston for me.
So remember kids, it’s okay to be gay. Just make sure you’re wearing a green suit and holding a lantern.
Otherwise, that would be kinda….well….slightly homosexual.