The Scarlet Numbers 6.30.12

Female lead singers suck. There are few exceptions.  Micheal Jackson was a pretty good one.  I also kinda like Blondie.  I’ve been asked several times to join a band by a bunch of loser guys who all want to sleep with me.  I usually make excuses like this:

• Sorry, I can’t be in your band because I can’t sing. (I actually can.)
• Sorry, I can’t be in your band because I don’t have a microphone. (I do.)
• Sorry, I can’t be in your band because my vagina can’t take three dicks at the same time.  (It actually can.)
• Sorry, I can’t be in your band because my vagina can’t take four dicks at the same time. (With enough lube, yeah it’s possible but it really hurts.)
• Sorry, I can’t be in your band because my vagina can’t take five dicks at the same time. (It just can’t, sorry there’s just not enough space.)

There’s too many reasons why I don’t want to be in a band of all guys.  I have so many reasons, I could list 50, but I’m not going to because I have better things to do, like paint my nails.  The fact is, female lead singers suck.  This is not an opinion, it’s a sad truth.  There are too many of these bands to list, I could list 50 of them, but like I said, I’m pretty busy. I have finger nails to paint.  Ten of them.

“Why do bands with female lead singers  suck so much?” 

Let me clarify one thing really quick, not all bands with female lead singers suck. Bands like the Breeders, Veruca Salt, and Hole are awesome.  But these are bands with ALL girls.  Not one girl and five lame guys tag teaming her backstage.

Ancient Mayan Prediction of the band Evanesance

The truth is bands with all boys and one female lead singer all just become one big huge orgy until eventually the woman’s vagina becomes completely useless.

1. The Fugees

Threesome

Status of Vagina: Busted (Killed Softly)

Take the Fugees for example.  At first the band’s chemistry was okay.  One would hit it from the back while the other would receive oral.  And then they’d switch once every five minutes or so.  Then sometimes one would put in the tushy while the other would put it in the front.  And sometimes they’d double stuff the front.  And once they even tried to double stuff the back.  Finally the lead singer was like, “Screw this, I’m gonna get pregnant with some other man and have a baby.”  Then once she got pregnant the guys no longer were interested in porking her anymore.  So the band broke up.

It’s typical.

2. Garbage

Foursome

Status of Vagina: Junk-Status

The constant pressures for foursomes ripped this band apart almost as much as Shirley Manson’s pussyhole.  They began with the typical double penetration while giving one guy oral, but they it progressed to triple penetration in the ass. And by this time all of them felt weird and awkward and since then “it got weird.”

The Cranberries 

Foursome

Status of Vagina: Cranberry Sauce

The constant pressures for foursomes ripped this band apart almost as much as a Zombie’s pussyhole.  They began with the typical double penetration while giving one guy oral, but they it progressed to triple penetration in the ass. And by this time all of them felt weird and awkward and since then “it got weird.”

No Doubt 

Foursome

Status of Vagina: Busted (without a doubt)

This foursome is a little different. In this situation, the lead singer was only porking one of the guys while the other two just sat in the corner and jerked off.

Otep 

Foursome

Status of Vagina: Wet and Tight

This foursome involved three guys in three corners all jerking off with the lead singer standing in the middle of the room with a disgusted look on her face.

Blondie 

Fivesome

Status of Vagina: Dry and Tight

Surprisingly, Blondie never slept with any of her band mates.  That’s because she was classy.  No wonder they had so many hits.  (No pun intended.)

Who Fucking Gives A Shit 

Fivesome

Status of Vagina: Grand Canyon

I don’t even remember what the name of this band is.  It’s one of those new ones.  I can’t remember.  That asian guy in the back doesn’t look like he belongs in the band. He looks like a janitor or something.  This girls pussy must really hurt.  Ouch!

Who Fucking Gives A Shit: Part 2 

Fivesome

 Status of Vagina: Open Like Seven Eleven

Another nameless band that I don’t remember.  I could easily look it up but it’s not worth my time.  Her vagina must really hurt too.  The people in these bands look more like audience members than actual rockstars.

Who Fucking Gives A Shit: Part 3 

Fivesome

Status of Vagina: Repossessed 

This picture looks like it should be a poster for a new TV show called, “Operation Repo Your Pussy.”  All these guys look like bodyguards.  This defiantly looks like a case of double anal, double vaginal.  Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Yeah, all these bands suck.

-Scarlet