The Scarlet Numbers 4.5.13

I have writers block. :/

I’ve been trying to make a “fake obituary” for Roger Ebert but all my punch lines keep falling flat. I friggin hate that guy and could probably write a book about how useless of a human being he was. However, the words just aren’t coming. Truthfully, it’s not because I can’t “write” it’s because I can’t type lying down and I’m too lazy to sit up. I’m typing this on my phone right now because, yeah, I just don’t feel like getting out of bed today.

So what’s new with me? A lot.

I got a new job today! I have to memorize their entire menu by Monday and then take a test.

I realized the other day that I’m obsessed with several things:

1. R.A. Salvatore- I’ve been reading a his books like crazy! Just read Homeland, Exhile, and Sojourn and now I’m almost finished with a book called “The Crystal Shard”

2. Howard Stern, I spend hours everyday just watching old Howard stern videos.

3. I’ve also discovered a new show that I absolutely love called “Adventure Time with Jake and Finn” It’s so awesome! Yesterday I watched the entire first season and today I’ve been watching the 2nd.

Also, yesterday I checked out the new Oz movie and I’ll be writing a review on it tomorrow.

Blah. Sorry, nothing to say today.
Be back as soon as I can sit up.

Need more jack Daniels.
-Scarlet

The Scarlet Numbers 4.4.13

Women these days are so god-damned proud of their vaginas it’s sickening. I stumbled across a Facebook page today titled “One Million Moms and Women For The Second Amendment” and I almost puked all over my MacBook Pro. For a moment I was seriously debating whether or not I should neuter myself just to disassociate myself from these Biased Activists who feel the need to form a Vagina Coalition for every cause under the sun.

I seriously hope their pussies get sunburns and peel off like scabs filled with green crusty ooze and they are left with a vaginaless crotch and nothing left flaunt around like a Macy’s Day Parade.

Here’s the problem you assholes: you’re for the 2nd amendment , that’s fine and dandy. But guess what, vaginas aren’t mentioned in the second amendment you fucking BIASED STUPID BITCHES. Go fuck yourself with cacti and stop wiping your vaginas in places they don’t belong.

I think that people have the definitions of “Equality” and “Prejudice” confused these days. Just because your past generations slaved over a hot stove doesn’t give you the right to be a biased piece of shit.

“Sometimes I wish I could just take a boiling hot iron fresh off the ironing board and mash it in the faces of “every mother who was against drunk driving whose entire organization excluded anyone with a fucking penis.”

I wish I could brand these people like cows with “BIASED BITCH” scarred across the forehead of every women who completely disgraced the idea of equality itself for a chance to prance their vaginas around as if it were some kind of “million vag march on Washington”

Why can’t these stupid women see how unfair they are treating men?

Gonna go take a rage dump.
Be back soon.
-Scarlet

The Scarlet Numbers 4.4.13

I can never think about early April without thinking about Cobain.

Growing up Nirvana was my oxygen. My nutrients were consumed through my headphones and my idols smashed the instruments they used to create life with.

Do you know what the suicide rate is for homosexuals? I wish I weren’t so lazy, I’d get up out of the bathtub and google it.

I have a theory that Kurt Cobain was a closeted homosexual who lived in constant fear of being “outed” by his livid wife, his new guitar player, or old friends back from Washington. It drove him mad, his telltale heart hidden under the billboards, thumping louder and louder and he just couldn’t stand the thought of being exposed

Not as a drug addict or a bad father

but as an alien

terrified of his own territorial pissings.

Question:

When will the anti-gay cliche go away?

Not in his lifetime. Not in ours.

So many people out there secretly suffer. They hide behind closed doors,

terrified of pride.

Others are proud of themselves, some shunned by their own tribes,

made to think that the air you breathe is some kind of choice.

all babies are born gay.

From birth to puberty we wage war against our opposing gender, until one day we are finally allowed to climb up into that treehouse with the “no girls allowed” sign taken down. We fall in love with our sworn enemies, but some stay behind the bushes with their slingshots

Adults drop their weapons

and surrender to nature

so forget the ozone

fear the rainbow

If everyone in this world were gay humanity would only last one generation.

The Scarlet Numbers 4.3.13

It’s that time of the month!  (No, not that one.)  It’s time to narcissistically overanalyze this blog with charts and graphs to try to decipher why the fuck I’m not rich and famous yet. I think, just maaybe, just maaybe it may be because my left buttcheek is slightly bigger than my right. Or wait, was it the right buttcheek.

Nevermind.

Okay, well as many of you know I was arrested in early September and spent some time in the slammer.  During this time you might have wondered,

“Why isn’t Scarlet posting daily blogs from her jail cell? Seriously…wtf.”

To all of the people who I let down please forgive me.  I tried, I really did.  Every morning I would wake up and use a chisel to carve a new blog post into my jail cell wall.  Late at night I would find myself writing new blogs on small sheets of paper and sliding them under the prison bars to the inmates across the hall who would laugh uncontrollably at my new Rambo jokes.

The news of “The Scarlet Numbers” soon became the talk of the entire prison.  However, quite frankly my dear, that doesn’t mean squat on the outside world.  Far from my cold pillowless bunker and far past the barbed wire fence that kept my enslaved unless I wanted to slash a boob or two…somehow the internet continued without a daily update from Yours Truly.

It was a travesty beyond human comprehension.

Anyway, let’s take a look at the numbers.

First let’s take a look at all my unanswered fan mail.  Now usually, I’m pretty good at getting back to my fans as long as they are helping me promote my blog seventy nine hours a day. However, while being incarcerated, I just wasn’t able to get back to answer all those people begging for the “passwords” for my “password protected blogs.”

Here’s the amount of poor unfortunate souls who sufferered:

Just so you know, I’m not fucking reading any of those.  I just quickly skimmed through all of the names to make sure Johnny Depp didn’t send me anything and then deleted them all.

Here’s a month by month overview of how many people have been reading my blog.  As you can see, I told a Rambo joke in Aug. 2012.

I’m not wearing my glasses right now so I’m not even sure what this one says, probably has something to do with vaginas.

Canada still has maintained a strong lead in their “coolness” factor over the United Kingdom, which reminds me of this one day when I was in jail I was eating pancakes for breakfast and I decided to hide a packet of syrup up my yaknow.  Later on that night my cell mate and I stripped naked and smeared the cold sticky syrup all over our naked bodies and spent the rest of the night licking each other head to toe until all the syrup was gone.  It was pretty hot until I realized that my cellmate didn’t shave her armpit hair.  Some of those hairs were stuck in my friggin teeth for days!

Here’s a list of all of the blogs that have been most commented on.  In jail the blog titled “Posting My Naked Body Online” was the #1 commented blog.  However, those comments aren’t included here as we were mostly using Post-its folded up like paper airplanes to communicate.

This list here was strangely the only collection of numbers that were the same on the internet as they were in jail.

Gotta pee, see ya soon!

-Scar

The Scarlet Numbers 4.3.13

Has anyone actually been reading the news lately? Kim Jon what’s- -his-face needs to seriously take a chill pill and stop flexing his puny Scrappy-Doo muscles before the United States of Scooby Doo takes an Scooby-Shit on North Korea.

Someone just needs to rename North Korea to “Are You Gonna Bark All Day Little Doggy? Or Are You Gonna Bite?”

Am I the only one who doesn’t give a Splinter’s Behind about North Korea’s daily hissy fits? Kim Jon Un seems to go ballistic about everything but his own damn ballistic missles.

“He wasn’t lying when he said he had Warheads, but what he failed to mention was they were in his mouth.”

(Drum-roll please)

Mr. Uncool Also Likes To Live Dangerously

Everyone and their freaking dog knows that this guy doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just sitting in “Daddy’s Throne” like that kid from Game of Friggin Thrones.

“Excuse me, I need to go to the little boy’s room.”

But, no Kim, we can all read straight through your twirpy po-po-po-poker face and see that you’re just a sad short tempered whiny baby who shares the same first name as Kim Kardashian.

Guess who was the 1st American to speak to this pathetic leader of North Korea…..

That’s right folks! Kim Jon Un is officially “on some…” Watch the video above to see Dennis Rodman proclaim that “he’s no politician, he just loves basketball, and wearing dresses and speaking to North Korean leaders before our own president.

If the UN strongly condemns anything it should be against Dennis Rodman right to tweet. He deserves to be thrown into this abysmal hell-hole called “North Korea” that forbids it’s own citizens of tweeting to those as you would like to be tweeted.

If you’d like to learn more about how horrible of a country the RONEREY state of North Korea is, check out this awesome documentary this guy made. He SNUCK into North Korea and risked his life to make this film. It’s really worth watching! Do it!

check out “Inside North Korea”

Gotta go take a dump. Be back soon.

-Scarlet

4.3.13

The Scarlet Numbers. 4.2.13

2 Because you’re a douchebag. 

3 Because you’re a douchebag. 

4 Because you’re a douchebag. 

5 Because you’re a douchebag. 

6 Because you’re a douchebag. 

7 Because you’re a douchebag. 

8 Because you’re a douchebag. 

9 Because you’re a douchebag. 

10 Because you’re a douchebag. 

3.29.13
10 Reasons Why I Probably Won’t Get a Job Anytime Soon

1. Criminal Record

2. No Drivers License

3. Bad Credit

4. No Education

5. No Experience

6. No car.

7. Can’t pass a drug test.

8. No-show to job interview

9. Too skinny/ Anorexic

10. Because I don’t want a job.